By: Jack Moseler
I’ve been sleeping on this blog post for a while, asking my parents about what I should write about, what confession or perspective of an event I should lay upon you readers. I’ve read all of the posts written by my mother to get an understanding of what you know about me, and hopefully find a topic to talk about. But still nothing. So let me express some truths that you may not know or have not been clearly expressed.
Right now I am laying in bed as I type this into my phone, with the fan quickly spinning and blowing wind throughout my once immaculately clean room as of two weeks ago. I tried to write this while watching YouTube on my old IPad off to the side, but only could finish the first sentence without being distracted. Now I am listening to my instrumental playlist of my own creation, composed mostly of video game soundtracks, through my wireless headphones. I hate to write.
There are many times I want to write, as that is what I believe I am good at, but I am always trapped in the hell that is “writer’s block”. But for me it doesn’t feel like a “writer’s block”, as I have ideas on what I want to write, what I want to express, what I want to do, but can’t bring myself to put it down on paper or tell someone. Though I think in English I can’t translate thoughts to English. This is a fear of mine. I want to do something but can’t express it to someone.
As you can tell I am a poor planner and communicator. I make a schedule for myself, follow it for the first couple days and never try again. I over think organization, especially in writing. I take time to obsess over every word, it’s placement and broad meaning. Because of that, I am very slow at writing. We have been practicing for the SAT timed essay before school was canceled, and in an hour all I could conjure was a bare three paragraph essay. I haven’t learned to “type like a master” on a keyboard. My handwriting is very slow as I take great care in legibility.
About two hours ago, I took a walk to clear my mind, to come up with a good transition from my rant about my issues. I couldn’t.
These days I am saving money for a gaming laptop, something that is easily portable so I can bring it to college. I don’t have a job and I don’t have a driver’s license. Driving classes are cancelled for the time being, and the chances of finding enough money soon seems low.
It is the next day, as of the middle of the last paragraph. Just woke up to hear my task for the day: To make a Facebook account. I have absolutely no social media presence, other than a quick Instagram that I check about once every two weeks. I just don’t care about using social media. I see the use and the need of Facebook and Instagram, but I am just not a social person. I’m still trying to figure out the positives of being introverted.
This is actually the last paragraph I’m writing for this article, as a suggestion from my father to include more details on how a kind of “writer’s block” affects more than my writing. I tend to reach a block of productivity when it comes to many activities, where I can’t bring myself to start one, or I reach a point where I don’t know how to end it. I just feel lost during those times. I’m not a very extracurricular person, and the activities I don’t find interest in, lose priority in my schedule.
This has not been a very positive article, as I have just laid out my fears and problems to you, details you’ve never been told or even want to know. I don’t know who reads this blog, whether mothers of children with autism, or even those who have it themselves, but this is a look into the person you’ve been hearing about.
====Mom’s note: Jack’s been off for 3 weeks now from school. Michigan just declared school done for the rest of the school year. Jack is really struggling as he doesn’t have structure as Jeff and I are still working from home and Rae’s finishing up college online and we are all taking up all corners of the house. I’m sure having extra people around was not what Jack had in mind for the next 5 months off from school I’m sure. It took him almost a week to write the above. He wrote beautifully what he struggles with all the time; he knows what he needs to do but just can’t put it into action when it’s not something he enjoys. Mom confession here…I’m paying him $10 for this post. Originally he was really excited to let his voice be heard! Then he fretted over what he should write about and if it would be right and how he would be interpreted by those reading the post. So all in, he made pennies per hour for what he has into this writing. He better treasure that $10 he earned! I think he’s an amazing writer. I wish you could hear some of his writings he has done before. Granted they take forever and most times he has to get an extension from his teacher but they are deep thinking, a picture into one’s soul with a parallel meaning that many don’t pick up on. I just wish he knew how awesome he is and that he has a family that loves him and his BIGGEST cheerleaders. Thank you for reading Jack’s post.